Tears in my Eyes?

Went to see Yu Zhen off at the airport, she should have arrived in Singapore by now, I guess. Another one of the list, before the countdown hits me as the last to go back.

When was the last time I really cried for someone honestly...? I guess I can't remember anymore, the last time should be somewhere in secondary school, and a bit of feelings when my grandfather passed away.

But what can I say? most of the time I feel I'm more suited to doing things devoid of feelings. Its not that I'm a cold-hearted inhuman creature, but just that the in the place where the feeling is supposed to be, its just emptiness. Whatever happened to me in my childhood? Well, I don't wish to talk about it.

But the impact it brought on me, rather bad, I began to see people as empty husks of flesh containing souls. I never really spared a second thought of playing with their emotions if I got the chance, and seriously, everyday was just a new experiment to me and the people around were just like lab rats for me to do research on and see their reactions. Slowly, I started to realized that this wasn't the method for making friends, but sometimes, reverting back to the old me does indeed make me happier, even for a while.

I admit being in the center of the thin black line is really lonely. But it does have its pros. I used to often think why some people talk to their stuffed toys. But I realize my folly, since I'm no better by imagining my own world everyday. However, yeah, this imagination does help me to sleep, help me to stay happy and feeling contented with life. It did have its cons as well, I thought of things too much. Up to the point, whenever I closed my eyes, horribly mangled images and carnage that were so bizarre that I couldn't understand how it would happened in front of my closed eyes. And that is where I found my true fear. I got to the point that I saw the images whenever I closed my eyes. I saw faces of agony on the walls and the movement of the ground in a strange fashion. Then I found out how I could remove them by listening to music. Not just any, but music where I could get the beat into my mind, and focus on it.

Then along came aikido and photography. My two current loves. Two precious things in my life to put my heart and soul into. Contrary to what some others think, currently, looking for a girlfriend or someone to go out with me isn't exactly the top priority in my life, since kinda after the last relationship, I'm still cold and choked after it.